Sometimes even i get confused with what i want...or rather what i have to choose.
Do i choose to stay at home because of the kids?
or is it because i simply hate my job no matter which department i am transferred to?
This morning i was frustrated because riz just cant soothe himself to sleep thanks to being in kendong all the time. and when i successfully put him down my mom open the door and yelled "i'm off for a briskwalk!" and then tia doesnt want to brush her teeth. and bad as it gets, i tried to force her mouth open by brushing her on her lips til she surrendered. very, very bad for her self esteem development. sigh.
It has been a long confusing and stressful week for me..husband went off for a long outstation overseas, i was looking forward to meeting him halfway (and also to sneak in some sleep n me time) but cancelled at the last minute, i spent the allocated money for 2 sewing machines, tia is in the middle of her terrible twos when no means no and want means yougiveittomenow, and riz just wont sleep thru the night when tia already had at his age.
I am not a very patient person..and i try not to forgive myself everytime this happens; whenever i get too agitated. at the office your bad days involve some pushing from the boss, times when u cant reach ur KPIs. at home you get tested by ur childrens' antiques. it will happen. even for someone as patient as my mom has her limits. i recalled being pulled by the ear and whacked by the hanger for throwing a tantrum and pushing down a bookshelf back in my toddler days. i dont remember any recurrences on the next tantrum though, perhaps she too, did not forgive herself for being that angry.
No matter how terrible your children are.....i'd rather handle this than my daytime job. i am in the midst of finding a flexible hour job while on this leave, almost finding my answer, and i hope its Allah's way in guiding me towards the right path for myself. that way i get half doses of everything, and i believe thats the best for me. even if it doesnt pay much, it saves me from the usual headaches..and i will still earn something.
I hope this is just a phase...and things will look up like it always has. i strive everyday to be a better mom even though i dont feel like even close to one. astaghfirullahalazim. rabbi yassir walla tuassir.