Be grateful.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Looking back at my previous posts I want so much to be a SAHM. I want to watch my children grow and be the one they can turn to, anytime anyday. just like my mom. always always there when i need her. well, she does get frustrated that the children rely so much on her..but for us, for me at least, as someone who was brought up with a mom to turn to at any given time of the day....she is quite a big deal. a great big deal, in fact. as big as one day, when she is no longer with us, we would feel so much. i am afraid to think of the emptiness that i will definitely feel when the time comes. i am afraid to think of how i would react or feel. that's how big a deal my mother is to me because she's always there. always.

Tia and Riz with grandparents

So am i not independent? maybe not. wouldn't it be nice not to wait til end of office hours to tell mommy about your day in school, or a problem ure facing, or emergency questions? well ok. theres always whatsapp. but as you grow up, your mother will climb higher on the career ladder, lesser time to promptly respond to your "oh Sera told me she has a new boyfriend, mommy" stories. when at age 14, that petty boyfriend story actually means a lot to your adolescent mind and to wait til after office hours to tell mommy about it? fergeddit, no need lah. not important anymore. hehe. i don't know if you get me but, you know.

For my mom, life is hard. she told me never to quit work. you cant buy things for your kids, you have to wait for allowances from your husband, you get really tired at the end of the day doing chores and making sure your children survives the day without feeling bored or unfed. for me, i still do what i do. i still earn a bit doing part time pharmacy stuff. from my handmade orders. but in this era with the inflation and all.....its just not enough. when i surveyed for a good kindy for Tia was when i realized..this is only kindy and i feel the pinch. what happens when its time for her to go to college? nobody gets JPA that easily. or if they do...am i really gonna push her into science, if she's anything like me she will end up feeling as lost as i am right now because oh my God i really hate science but ijustdontknowwhyidecidetogoforit. haish.

Sometimes i sit and think...when i get so exhausted from taking care of the kids..if i had a job as an interior designer, a food artist, or something other than dispensing meds behind a counter with people expecting you to know everything and having superiors who judge your knowledge...would i quit? 

I want to know what i'm doing. when they interviewed me at the handmade market the other day...i know what to talk about. theyre my stuff. when i stay at home, i know my kids, my home, my husband. theyre my own stuff. not like when you go for ward rounds and you boss asks you so what can we do to bring down this patient's potassium level? you. why is this patient not compliant to her inhaler? did you tell her this this this?that that that? I cant take that, i cant go back there. no matter what. nope.

But yeah, I remembered being miserable for a long time before i resigned. miss the pay but not the stress. but without the pay comes the stress too. now if i were to go back to work....theres absolutely no one to take care of the kids. its a problem which goes around in a loop. 

So i have come to a conclusion to be grateful of what i have at hand. it's not like i dont have a pay, or have to survive solely by asking money from the husband. i can still afford to send the kids to the playgym, buy clothes although lesser. i am blessed with friends who supports my humble hobby based business. i love seeing other kids wear what i made from these 2 bare hands, from my stayups every night. and its not like i'm lowly educated as some SAHMs are judged as. i do have a choice to go back to work. i but i chose home. it's tough now but i believe it will get easier.spiritually, i believe it will get easier. just a couple of frustrations here and there. what is life without challenges.

Thanks for reading through my rant:') #SAHMdilemmas #asusual


Wau Handmade Art Market

Friday, November 21, 2014

November has been a very busy month for me. started off with the Copenhagen trip, then tia n riz's little picnic party..then a whole 2weeks of crafting for jengjengjeng...my first ever craft show:)

The Wau Handmade Market was held at the White Box, Publika on 15-16th nov, which was a weekend..two months back i excitedly registered for it thinking hmm maybe, just maybe i would have enough craft to put on the table for people's eyes to feast on.then somewhere along the way, kureng sikit confidentnye so i invited a senior of mine to share the table with me.it's my first time anyway.takut lah.hehe

Since i sell baby and toddler handmade items, i wasnt counting to sell a whole lot of my stuff.its a general handmade market, and not many mommies come shop at markets like this. so i was there wholly for the fun and experience..to meet people, to take care of my own personalized booth:) and boy do i feel good about that!

For those who dont know, i've been keeping myself busy with the kids, d house, and making some of these, strictly during the childrens bedtime.unless i have backlogged orders then i will sew or craft during the day while watching the kids play.

I'm pretty lucky my friends and mutual friends actually like my work and pm me to order for their princesses. heartfelt thanks sangat sangat sangat alhamdulillah:) makes me happy that people actually wanna wear my items.hehe

I had my booth pretty well planned out.from the sequinned baby pink tablecloth, to the headband tree, to the pvc pipe rack display i requested my dada to make for me.i even customade my plastic bags, labels and business card.

and then the day came and here's the booth i was so proud of!hehe.my senior was super duper creative too.look at her side of the table;) she sells baby wraps by the way, search IG for babywrapsbymakyang.it is always best to babywear your babies, everyone:)

It was such a great event, and a good platform for us to display all our artwork for others to feast their eyes on:) on another note, yes my sales on that day was pretty good. bandana bibs are gone, more tutu orders..very grateful! yea la where else can i get pocket money if its not from here..haha

Anyways i hope to join in more bazaars in the future.simply because it was funn. ok2 maybe i can get some allowances from there too to buy kids clothes n such.oh u know:)

Til next post..have a blessed Friday everyone!

hugs, Sabby.

oh ps..if anyone's interested in ordering and joining in this tutu craze..do like me on facebook and instagram---> Sabbytia. text me for a custom order yes?love ya!

being SAHM: "So what do you do?"

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

So it has been almost a year since i delivered riz johann and decided that my happiest place despite how exhausting and how broke our family's going to be...is with my kids.watching over them with my own eyes n taking care of them with my own two hands.

I am blogging from my economy seat on a plane heading from london back home. it was my 30th birthday treat from dearest daddy radzli to tag along with him as he goes for a meeting in Copenhagen, Denmark. my parents helped to take care of the kids while we're away. i needed this trip, for some quality alone time.perhaps to celebrate a successful one year of being a stay at home mom.

Adapting is not very easy. i am doing what i like now..but juggling is tricky. so far so good, and i love it.it keeps me on my toes all the time but the downside of it is finance..have u heard that u cant have it all?

I'm doing quite a lot of stuff everyday.housework, cooking, being present n interactive with the kids, and crafting. busy, but sometimes it gets lonely.no one to talk to, to release with.it gets lonely til 10pm cuz thats when husband comes home..n if it gets really bad i go back home to my mom. n i spent a lot of money to send the kids to gym classes so that i cud get out of the house a few days a week n so that my kids dont get bored too.

because my husband n i share the same professional world..i stil have to meet his medical colleagues once in awhile.and the question that i find very very hard to answer is always "so what do u do?where r u working?" not only his friends..but also this lady who's sitting next to me on this plane.basically everyone i meet. 

"i was a pharmacist, then i resigned to take care of the kids.u know, while theyre still small.helpers nowadays cannot be trusted"

Too long an explanation, in my opinion:-/

But anyways..theres nothing i would change. between me and Allah, staying home is probably an honorable decision.i know financial wise is gonna be tough..n the kids are probably not gonna appreciate me enough at the end of the day...but i'm going to keep the faith going. something awesome may be waiting for me, i know its written for me one day.like this trip:) something like that.

so..yeah.adjusting is pretty hard. especially when answering the "what do u do?" question.who cares.asalkan saya bahagia.whats important is that, altho there may be hiccups here n there..i hope my kids will have a memory of having mommy around in their childhood..and not a nanny."i want mommy".not "i want bibik".just like my siblings n i last time:)

Tia and Riz are turning 3 and 1 respectively next month...and i am so proud of all of us! til then, cheers everyone:)

How to Dine in/Distract a Baby in a Restaurant

Sunday, September 7, 2014

When we had just tia we never really dared to dine out, the three of us. once we got her interested in the ipad...guilty as we are we just put her on the babychair with the ipad on and eat peacefully. yes yes, i know it's not good. but at that moment of time..when the waitress puts a plate of awesome lamb shoulder worth 35 bucks in front of you..what other parents think doesnt matter. asalkan the child did not bother you makan and you get to fill up your tummy. it's just for meals anyway.

But with 2 kids along the way...i think we've gotten a bit better at this eat out thing. 
Last time...we take turns eating. i'll eat first while hubby takes tia for a walk then comes back, and i take her out while he eats. then like, whats the point of eating out with the family right?
Now we have to force ourselves to survive. cuz we cant take turns no more..we have to handle one baby each.

Now that Tia is a bit older and would stay put in her chair, so it is so much easier dining out with her. she still needs the ipad once in awhile but now she has this new love for magic clip disney princesses so she will bring her handbag filled with princesses and play with them anytime anywhere. she does buat perangai sometimes but still bearable and can handle:)

Tia's fave food and princesses by the side

Bored during buffet dine outs

As for Riz...this is what we currently do now.

Links. never thought of buying them last time but now i found them verry handy. these links have different textures and shapes. i will give it to him one at a time. most of the time everything will end up under the table cuz he's in the "hmmm-i'll-throw-this-down-and-see-where-it-hits" phase but it delays the process. hehe.

And also backup toys in case ure tired of picking up those tossed links under the table. I actually ordered a toy strap for this matter and waiting for the parcel. gonna clip the links to his shirt so he wont toss them down. anyways. these toys keep him occupied for awhile. so eat while he's occupied. for like...a total of 5 mins if u're lucky.

Better bring a stroller. because some restaurants do not have chairs with seatbelts. and RJ is in a phase of climbing out of a babychair. that, or slouching down those colourful plastic antique ones we used to find in mamaks during our time. or those stokke ones at PlanB? both my babies are too chubby they couldnt put the infant fixture on. drumsticks are in the way. heheh. 

And also RJ tends to get sleepy during dine outs. so we can push the stroller around til he falls asleep then hoorayyy eat in peace.
While we had breakfast at our recent staycation. still in pajamas:)

This is if you forget the stroller or baby gets too restless in babychair, or sleepy during dineouts. i usually carry riz to sleep, pull the hoodie on and sit with him in our boba. and eat. orang sebelah meja tengok2....."kesian" agaknye, diorg pikir.

Feed baby lunch/dinner together at the table
I practice this now. if i have to go out for lunch, i will bring riz's lunch together. so while waiting at the table I would feed him. one him, one myself. that would keep him quiet for a lil bit, at least til he's done with his meal. and thankfully, some of mine too.

If all else fail.....do the take turns in eating again. hehe

Hormone blues: of being overachiever and Tia's clinginess.

Friday, September 5, 2014

I realise, nowadays that I am an overachiever. I never was in pharmacy school and at work last time, maybe because of the interest issue. well maybe a little, cuz while in school..I want to make sure i do everything that i dreamed to do. in the midst of exams and everything, I attended long dance rehearsals til 2am, multiple shows in a week, choreograph for uni events..and still qualify as a pharmacist.

When i have interest in things...i squeeze them in. no matter how busy life gets. no matter how late in the night it is.

I've been pushing myself a lot these days. I want the house to be clean. to be swept and mopped at least every alternate day. I want to cook dinner for the husband when he come back from locum. I want to take care of both kids. cook for them. atm they eat seperate dishes because one of them cant eat salt yet. I want to send Tia to classes. Do laundry. finish ironing that pending mountain in the maid's room. and I want to sew...create new stuff for babies. make tutu, clothes, toys, teething necklace. 

Because this "creating stuff" thing....is the only thing I have left because I've sacrificed all my other interests for the husband and especially the kids. I have to do it you see, its the only thing that makes sad thoughts go away. and when all chores are done, and kids go to bed, is the only time when i can sit and do some craft. and usually that would start earliest at 11pm.

1am is usually when i go to bed..and baby wakes up at 3am for milk, sometimes 4am. sometimes 5ish...wakes up crying and wakes the toddler up too. its exhausting. exhausting for me......

Husband has been helping around with these nightcalls..play with the kids when i do chores(when he's around), buy food when i sangat tak larat masak, and dump clothes in the machine. cant expect much since he puts the food on the table. i'm sure he doesn't understand why I am as tired as that. I don't nap during the day..and i maximise my energy with these two kids. one naps, the other one awakes. 

Tia's clinginess.
Not to me, but to daddy. yeah yeah i know, daddy's girl and all. pic above was her camping in front of the bathroom door waiting for daddy. it hurts. is it because i was away for most of her first 2 years of life due to work? so is he. is it because I'm the bad cop? because daddy never says no even though what she does is wrong? is it because i do a lot of chores and cant play much with her? she follows him around like a baby duck..and when he's home, she doesnt need mommy anymore.daddy feed me. i wanna sleep with daddy. daddy will u play with me? mommy said no. daddy pleeease can i have it? daddy daddy daddy. 

I know its normal, but what if this lasts til she grows up? is she going to share boy stories with me? girl stuff? or is she going to ajak daddy go do manicure pedicure? nasib lah. i'm not supposed to feel hurt but I kind of am...dah la paling susah bsalinkan dia. giving birth to Riz although tumpah darah takde la sampai permanent scar. giving birth to her is like...you know. but i guess i'm not supposed to "ungkit". I'm sorry.

It is normal for kids to be excited when daddy comes home. even Riz. I dont know if he's gonna be like tia but at least...when he sees me i can see his eyes light up. he comes crawling to me. he wants to sleep in the carrier, near my chest. and i let him. he loves the porridge i make for him. he needs me. but no, i cant have favourites. sometimes i feel like it, because if these behaviors. but i neeed to remind myself over and over that i love both. bad bad mom. I am grateful that both love their daddy n loves to play with him. their favorite playmate. and I am grateful for a husband who is ever so loving to his kids, makes time for them even though he has limited time and plays with them just like a playmate.

Perhaps, just like a job...it takes a toll on me. I'm trying to be perfect, but nothing n nobody is..really. I need to lay back for a bit. chill. dont think too much. perhaps its the hormones. the time of month atm. everything is amplified and im so sensitive. perhaps.

Hoping things will get better in a few days, when these hormones are settled. til then, cheers.


SAHM and everything I used to have.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Sometimes i feel a bit sad thinking about...

All the outings that takes a lot of effort because i have to bring around a toddler and a baby.

All the good food that i cant eat without having to feed two mouths (three, plus mine) and a possible tantrum.

My fringe which i wanted to cut a long time ago but now outgrown..and a hair colour wish which is still pending..

The dates we used to go out together, peacefully.i think i even forgotten how to go on dates without the kids.

Dance rehearsals and aerial class..my pole.but of course. this would be an invalid wish at this age and with 2 kids.

Shopping for the kids, planning their birthdays, chipping in on vacation..and all the things i used to do when i was still earning twice what i earn now.

But everyday i witness with my own eyes how these two grow up and they change almost everyday.they amaze and surprise me ever so often that i might not get a chance to see if i go to work. 

Riz is becoming so attached to me and im loving every single second of it (except when he cries) and Tia..well she's still the daddy's girl she is and i cant change that (its ok now i have my mommy's boy blegh) but she is growing up to be very pretty inside out in my eyes n i would love to give the world to her.

Sometimes i miss work.not the unnecessary stress.but the lunches, the new restaurants we try every friday, short naps on the desk, the chats with colleagues, the pretty clothes.sometimes i feel stripped of everything. everyone needs a break. now i know what they mean by..being SAHM is not the world. u dont get paid at all, no leaves at all, no friends at all.

But hey, i can always go to work when i want to, cuz i will always have my degree in hand (if my license tak ditarik or something).and for now, im enjoying my kids too much. i am thankful for my husband who lets me have this chance, and also tries to bring us out to new restaurants , although together with the kids..to try on cuz i really need that after all the long days of housework.

However, as discussed with hubby a few days bfore..i do want a whole day away from housework and kids for a good salon session, facial or spa.just for a break.next week i hope.ok til then:)

Lots of love.

Riz Johann's 8 Months Shirt Shoot and Vlog.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Life's greatest treasures.
Such an honour to be able to watch these two gifts grow, and watch their milestones.
Each are special in their own ways and just different.  2 different individuals. 
Allah's creations are crazy amazing aren't they?:)

Well of course there are good and bad days of child care. one moment rasa sayang gila and the next moment especially during the nights when the baby doesnt wanna sleep..u'll be like grrrrr. but hey overall i am enjoying what i do. it's super duper tiring, at times u feel unappreciated but i love it. i guess its just mothers instinct. 

Anyways.....here's Riz's 8 month shirt shoot and omaigod why oh why did I chose to put him on the sofa? for the rest of the year takuttt dia jatuh sofa tu cuz he moves non stop this boy.tsk tsk:D

I've aways thought Tia is hyper and i can handle anything else after her. but noo. Riz is like..2-3x more hyper and adventurous than she is. at 8 months he roams Gymboree like a boss while waiting for big sister to finish class. and by roam i mean he crawls super duper fast  under the equipments and climbs the slides from bottom to top okay....crazy boy. but i love you nonetheless!

He wakes up 3am for milk then at 5.30am and playplayplay and sleeps back at 8am. ok ini i dont like. i dont nap during the day and i wantt my good night sleep:( He can finish eating a whole chinese bowl full of porridge and still asks for milk after. crazy boy but i love you hehehe

ok video log time. We missed the shirt shoot for the 7th month (sedihhh) but fewh i did make a videolog. so here's 7 months and 8 months RJ:)

til next post! hugss

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