I was driving Tia to school this morning and we had a casual conversation about daddy having to work on public holidays and yada yada yada and somehow it came down to this:
"Mommy, I don't want to get married"
Okay, that was pretty random. I asked her why.
"If I get married, I will have a baby. I don't want to have a baby"
So, this statement is pretty much normal right? I've heard my siblings say this many times before. I asked her again why not? Don't you like babies? Aren't they adorable?
"Er, yes..they're cute and adorable.....I like them a lot. but it's just so hard to take care of children just like you".
Nowadays I am amazed at how much a 5 year old brain works. I have followed all Tiana's milestones and lately she is beginning to shape her own personality. It's funny figuring out whose genes she took it from, at I just can't figure it out in the end- it's like a mystery. Hence it must be just who she is. My Tiana is one who would critically think. She would ask me questions like "Why do our tummy make sounds when its hungry?" and then I would explain to her the science in layman terms. gastric juice, digestion, blahblahblah...and I could actually see her listen and analyse. Like I would expect her to just browse it off, yeah, whatever. I'm a kid, this is to complicated. toodles! but no. She listens.
One day she asked her daddy about something factual I can't remember and he answered her with some illogical, made for fun fairytale and she commented "But I don't want you tell me stories, daddy. I want you to tell me the truth. Mommy tells the truth".
So back to the "don't want children because taking care of them is too difficult" story..It actually makes me sit and think. Have I been displaying the wrong attitude daily? Did I explain something wrongly to her? Did I do anything wrong? the usual mom guilt. Shouldn't she be thinking that children are the most wonderful and special beings God gave us?
I have never told her taking care of her and her brother is challenging. But I did tell her how she was born. That is necessary, right? Did it scare her? The slit, the scar and all? Has she witnessed my poorest moments as a mother that she translated it as difficult? Truth bomb is, yes. Being a mother is life changing, and challenging. It is never all cupcakes and rainbows, quote Poppy the troll. But not being a mother would give life a whole new meaning- I can't remember how life was without them and I never wished to go back. My kids are my reason to wake up everyday and it may get tough sometimes, but I would do anything for them.
Perhaps I am too factual. Duh, I don't have an adult to converse with daily because I stay at home. I tend to talk to Tiana like talking to an adult. When I talk about ambition I explained about off days and family time. but hey, get real. those are facts, right? I always tell her I would really appreciate it if you would do certain things on your own because I don't have help, and I need her help. When I was little, opah had a helper. mommy doesn't have one. I am struggling. And she understood. I am really proud about little things she does like putting her shoes in the cupboard and eating breakfast by herself (nothing much actually. if only she would bathe herself. haha)
I know our kids watch our every move, look up at us. I wish I have an alarm system which would blare out when I did something wrong. I know I am not a great mom. I don't show the best examples. I don't have the patience a mom should have. I can only pray that He will guide me through bringing up my kids.I do not want to sugarcoat life when I talk to my kids, but I do want them to always think that life is great. and there is hope. and always be positive. How do I do that?
It's 2 am in the morning, perhaps my mind is thinking too much. Do comment if you have any advice for me yeah?