So yes, i know..it's been a long time:)
i have disappeared since week 32 of my pregnancy, tak nampak batang hidung.
That's right, our precious little angel has landed on earth and is sleeping peacefully in her crib as i'm typing this entry.
Last 8 weeks of pregnancy, to cut it short, has not been very kind to me. not really physically though, just mentally. to wrap it all up, my parents are leaving for haj few days before my edd and will be back when baby's a month old, we were asked to move out of the house (yes, of all timing when i was 9 months pregnant), work to be settled before i go off for my 3 months maternity leave, us scouting around for a rented house (which involves viewing and signing agreement and MONEY), buying necessary furnitures instead of buying baby stuff, measuring curtain rods, i was standiing long hours at full term pregnancy because of that and i was told by the doctor that baby isn't engaged yet at 39 weeks pregnant. obstacles. and not to mention- short of cash, disappointment and forever asking myself til now, the reason behind my parents putting us through all of this, not babysteps, one at a time, bt everything at one time.
anyways. this post aint about them or our misery.
I've been preparing myself mentally that it's just like period pain, or so they say. when they told me its 10 times ur period pain i thought, what the heck, i'll insist on epidural. i've done everything thats needed to be done for a natural birth.. walk, stand. climb stairs. yoga twice a week. i've been exhausted, but positive that i can go through this.
My last appointment with Dr Jumeah from HKL came out with this outcome: "u're 1 cm dilated, but baby's head is still floating above ur pelvis and u're already 39 weeks. pelvis look fine, baby head can squeeze through. we hav to wait n see if the baby will get engaged during labor pain or not, otherwise we have to proceed with caesarian section".
My family thought i should get a second opinion, not happy with the possibility of caesarian. they said "first child must go private hospital, kesian letak kat HKL je". yeah, and at the same time "after confinement you should move out. your small room is not a good place to raise a baby". we chose to ignore that suggestion and continue on with HKL, which is home to me for 4 years. i believe they'll do a good job.
To ensure that we get a 1st class single room, we decided to labor at home first. i know right, crazy. well labor really started off with period kind of pain with every step i walked. i already felt it the day before, but proceeded to go baby shopping with unty, her treat. the next night, pain was worse. it wasnt what they always say, 'constipated pain'. it was really period pain, the type where u go terguling-guling. haha. i thought i was leaking too, and daddy radzli checked my opening every 4 hours that day (yes u need sterile gloves lol) and by the night of 2/11/11, i was open barely 4cm, when we decided to go to the hospital. at the hospital, hubby checked my opening again, then get one of the midwives to confirm it. she did the VE (vaginal exam) and went "it's 3-4cm...but i can make it to 4cm so we can send u straight to the labor room. takyah tunggu standby dlm ward." and she did a cervical swab which induced my opening to 4cm.
They called the labor room to find out it was FULL. i was still in bearable pain, a little bit disappointed i must say, asthey wheeled me to the second class ward. there i got a corner bed and i cared no more but to focus on breathing through my pain. guess what? the breathing DOESNT work. na'ah. hubby put in the IV line for me. i was lying there miserably for 10minutes when i felt water pool out from the vajayjay. told hubby i think my water broke. he brought me to the tretament room, asked for some equipments from the nurses (macam rumah sendiri. hehe) and did the exam himself. guess the docs there dont mind, ringan sikit keje diorg. 6cm. he informed the MO. and fortunately theres a room in the labor room. on my mind was 'omg i think im a little too late for epidural:(' so from then on, my confidence went low (cuz i psychologically told myself that i WILL get my drugs) and the pain was from 10x period pain to 15x. pain scale...15/10. hah. MO in charged did another ve, and i felt her fingers turn in my (bloody painful), water came out in a gush and i can feel baby wriggling inside me. no joke. not the normal feel good kicks...but somewhat felt like...wriggling without the water. and it felt like baby has a knife and slashing her way out of me.
I was tossing about on the labor bed, and the pain has gone waay past my pain threshold that i thought was high. i never moan in pain. but at that particular time..theres no stopping the moan. i was looking for hubby's hand to grab on to. couldnt find it, and grabbed one of the nurses scrubs when contractions came in. i was confirmed to be only halfway to 6cm and guess what, anaesthetist wasnt available to give me an epidural. at as early as 5cm, i was disappointed, i find entanox didnt work like, at all, although it lessened my moans juust a teeny bit. i was tossing about on the labor bed and they could detect trace baby's heartrate very well thru the CTG. then i heard someone told me that baby's heart rate went down from the normal 150-160b/min to only 50beats/min and it has been like that for quite a long time. which means serious fetal distress. i learnt later that my contractions might be too strong that it might have compressed certain parts of the baby to lower down the heartrate. i cant even push her out cuz i was only 5cm dilated. they suggested an emergency caesar. super emergency that they decided not to give me epidural, but to do the caesarian op under a general anaesthesia.
Before i realize anything i was signing papers in ultimate pain, and some annoying doctors were saying out some adverse effects n complications of the procedure to me, making me feel like kicking them dead. i heard the word 'CBD' and in goes the urine catheter which i was so scared of. but the pain wasnt as bad as these contractions. then comes the nuscle relaxant into my iv line. and then comes the mask that promises a little piece of heaven. 'breathe in deeply, sabrina. once more'..i was grimacing in pain, but desperately trying to take huuuge deep breath to get the anaesthesia in. no time to think of Ryan Phillipe and his anaesthesia awareness. and oh lord. no time to even mengucal 2 kalimah syahadah just in case:( but all i was thinking was,"it's gonna be over soon. this pain will be over. i will go to sleep and i wont feel anymore pain. please let me go". haha. cakap macam org rela nak mati.
and i fell asleep. i think. cuz everything went black.
Next i remembered was someone calling my name and a sign above a door which read 'recovery room'. think i was still a little bit high from the drugs cuz i felt my tummy and smiled 'mm no more bump. baby's out!' i asked the nurse..'is baby ok?' and she answered that i delivered a healthy baby girl of 3.2kg. i smiled again, high, and relieved. i felt them put baby between my legs as they wheeled me out of the op theatre. it was so cold i was shivering like mad. for awhile they thought i was having seizures. haha seriously. all the above was just something i vaguely remember.like i had my eyes closed most of the time but answered questions and aware of my surroundings. i felt them wheel me into the elevator, up the 4th floor, into a ward, and an empty room. smiled again. 'yess first class single!' says the heart. hahaha. of all timing.
So that is that. emergency c section was definitely an experience. u go in labor, and also thru a surgery. it sounds terrible. but it's life saving, and baby girl will probably not be here or mentally challenged if its not because of it. i did not regret the surgery. yes, its true that i might have to give up aerial arts and all things extreme for a long time...but the fate has it that i have got my time. i have accomplished so much before this pregnancy. and now it's time for me to settle down and raise a beautiful little girl.
Of course i will also focus on healing and shrinking my body back to my pre pregnancy figure. to people like my mom, the csect will destroy ur body line, body shape. but then theres also this thing called determination. if i'm determined enough, i can do anything. think victoria beckham, JLO, angelina jolie, our very own sazzy falak. it's possible (God knows if tummy tuck is involved or not for them la).
Healing has been okay so far, alhamdulillah. the best thing is, once i dont waddle around the house with a sewn episiotomy. i can move fast to grab things whenever baby needs. especially when i dont have help around me. hubby inspects my wound everyday, and he cleaned it when we got home. he seems like a different person now...he cares more, and more responsible towards us. since our baby was borned, although i may seem not to hav much support..i've never felt so blessed. i feel happy. so i'm back. that happy girl married to her prince charming before the bump came. hehe
Our daughter was borned on the 2/11/11, at 11.33pm. weighing at 3.2kg (unlike the scan which said 2.6kg..eeps), length 48cm. she's an angel, a very good non fussy baby, and she came to the world quite magically (since i was in deep sleep):P i'm kidding. she's just magical to us. daddy's eyes. mummy's nose, daddy's upper lip, mummy's bottom lip. daddy's hair, mummy's face shape. she is beautiful, thank you Allah.
So hello world, meet our princess, Tiana Jezmine. may you grow up to be as beautiful and exotic as the jasmine flower, and iconized to like a real princess :) mommy and daddy love you very, very much:) <3