Thursday, June 13, 2013

Working Mom vs SAHM dilemma #2

Warning. 
I am going to rant.

I've been dwelling on this issue for so long..
I think everyone knows that becoming a mother changes you on a whole.
Its..my job (yet again). You see, i have been rebelling on this ever since i started my pharmacy course. There wasn't any way out, logically u cant just drop out of a pharmacy course out of lack of interest. its such a waste. other people are fighting to study it. so i went with it for 4 years. and also i wasn't exposed to anything else that i thought could bring food to my table. plus i just wanted to graduate and handover the scroll to my parents cuz thats what they wanted (btw i think i misplaced my degree scroll).

Then i started work. and tried to impress the bosses at least for the first 4 years. and then i had tia.
Thats when my perception on work changed. I realize i have another purpose in life, and that is to take care of her. always be with her, watch her grow. cook for her. So aside of that..work becomes very dull, and i feel like i'm pushing myself and i am so tired, emotionally.

My mom.  ever since i can remember, she was never away. from the moment I wake up in the morning, all thruout the day, making sure my brother and i nap, have dinner and close our eyes at night. Never did i remember having to wake up in the early morning to go to my grandparents while my mom goes to work, or come home from school to an empty house, having to reheat my own food. and so forth.

Tiana wakes up at 7.30am. depending on how dark the room is. and how noisy the house gets. these few days husband has to wake her up at 6.45am to send her to ampang, where my parents stay. she will cry, and when he carries her she keeps on pointing and wanting to come back down into her cot bed to sleep in. i feel really sad looking at this.....a child at that age should never be forced to wake up in the wee morning, when the sun is not even out:( that or at the door, she will want me to carry her. and husband needs to distract her to bring her down to the car park. it's really heart wrenching especially for pregnant ol' me, and it spoils almost my every morning:(

Its true that at this new place i get to punch out at 5pm. and i have no on-calls. but then i have to go back to my mom's and pick tia and the maid up, go back sentul. which is such a long drive with crazy peak after office hour traffic.by the time i reach sentul, i am dead tired. and if i were to feed and bathe tia, i would be using the very last of my energy. i dont have the energy to play with her. and yet i only have 3 hours left to be with her. I get annoyed when i say no and she does it out of toddlers curiosity. I get annoyed when i wanted to hold her hand in the car park and she pulled away and dashed away to touch one of the parked cars.

But i am fine during the weekends. i can go full force on her. i push myself to take her to the playground, the tamans, have playdates. 

So since last few months i've been thinking of a domestic business that i can do. luckily insyaAllah im getting a maternity leave at the end of the year and i am thinking of taking a few months (or a year) extra. try to figure out what to do. find myself. do something i really like. perhaps i cud succeed doing that. u'll never know.

I understand that in the real world especially in KL living, passion doesnt matter anymore. its just the money that u bring in matters. With this job, i have enough. i can pay for my car, the maid, petrol, do some shopping for tia. but it hurts me mentally knowing that i can do other stuff but just dont have the guts to quit. I am very much in my comfort zone. I know that everyone's dream is to provide the best for their children, being able to buy everything. but what about time? children grow up so fast, the next thing u know they dont need u anymore. and look at all the time u missed when they need u the most.

And i want to be the kind of mother where her child will always find her when he/she needs advise, or need someone to talk to. I look for my mom in desperate times. but some people prefer to confide in their friends, boyfriends,girlfriends. why? could it be because they never had the the chance to talk to their moms? that problems arise while moms are at work and settled when they come home at night?

So yes, selagi tak berhenti kerja selagi tu i think about all of this. I guess if i have passion in what i do, i would probably have the strength to push myself to go on. but right now, i have zero passion. and i am ever so ready to leave if i ever do find an alternative. earning 1-2k doesnt matter to me. but life satisfaction matters.

I feel better now. till next working mom vs stay at home mom ranting post.

Much Love,
Sabby

6 comments:

  1. understandable.
    i quit my job.
    leave kl. in fact i used to live in sentul .anjung villa

    i further my study in suburb.
    i have more time for my kids.
    alhamdulillah.

    just follow ur heart

    Allah knows better

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks...my husband mmg ajak pindah PD cuz of the low cost of living. but children education will be a problem. all the good schools are in KL. there might b some cheaper private schools in seremban but then i think we'd go back to square one...travel that distance vs traffic in kl, and all our commitmnts remain the same. house in kl, the car, the maid. so gitu lah.

      Delete
  2. aaaahhh same here. berat hati fikir sjk 1st baby lahir. but when the 2nd come ni, husband finally consider the idea utk i quit. Haha. plus my career pn xkemana dah. stagnant .. so.. we'll see how. btw ms i bc post u ni lg membuak2 hati nk quit. lps deliver hahaha. smbil tu kene fikir apa i nk buat utk side income. u have ur headbands biz tu :) or party planner? i tgk u kreatif bab2 tu hehe. take care :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. bestnyee ur husband sed yes:( my career time based..so he knows we'll get more so he said cannot. but we have the hak to decide betul tak. headband biz tu bkn betul2 pun...just a hobby..suke tgk org pakai design hasil tangan kite. hehe. but i guess boleh expand kot...but see lah masa pun takde nak expand. haih...thanks babe i appreciate ur opinions<3

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  3. Do something u like!
    I am a sahm, mother of 3..penat xboleh nak ckp tapi u know..the satisfaction is undescribable!sangat puas hati anak mmbesar depan mata, mkn air tgn kita..I think u can expand ur small biz tu..cuba buat online bz for children clothing pon ok for the beginning..
    Btw if u're lookjng for shaklee supplement, boleh visit my blog k (mummyzihan.blogspot.com) and email me at mummyzihan@gmail.com..sgt penting utk tmbh energy pregnant mommy, terutamanya dah nk dekat puasa ni..take care dear!

    ReplyDelete
  4. First off, congratulations on the pregnancy !! :D

    I totally feel you ! I dread the weekday mornings when I have to drop Khayla off at the sitter's. At work I keep wishing 5pm would come fast so that I can get home to be with her. :(

    Sab, I think expanding your headband business would be a great idea, who knows after this bukan headbands je. :)
    I am currently earning some side income with Shaklee and I hope when I pay off all my debts and when am earning more than what I am now, I can resign and become a WAHM. InshaAllah.

    ReplyDelete

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