I am going to rant.
I've been dwelling on this issue for so long..
I think everyone knows that becoming a mother changes you on a whole.
Its..my job (yet again). You see, i have been rebelling on this ever since i started my pharmacy course. There wasn't any way out, logically u cant just drop out of a pharmacy course out of lack of interest. its such a waste. other people are fighting to study it. so i went with it for 4 years. and also i wasn't exposed to anything else that i thought could bring food to my table. plus i just wanted to graduate and handover the scroll to my parents cuz thats what they wanted (btw i think i misplaced my degree scroll).
Then i started work. and tried to impress the bosses at least for the first 4 years. and then i had tia.
Thats when my perception on work changed. I realize i have another purpose in life, and that is to take care of her. always be with her, watch her grow. cook for her. So aside of that..work becomes very dull, and i feel like i'm pushing myself and i am so tired, emotionally.
My mom. ever since i can remember, she was never away. from the moment I wake up in the morning, all thruout the day, making sure my brother and i nap, have dinner and close our eyes at night. Never did i remember having to wake up in the early morning to go to my grandparents while my mom goes to work, or come home from school to an empty house, having to reheat my own food. and so forth.
Tiana wakes up at 7.30am. depending on how dark the room is. and how noisy the house gets. these few days husband has to wake her up at 6.45am to send her to ampang, where my parents stay. she will cry, and when he carries her she keeps on pointing and wanting to come back down into her cot bed to sleep in. i feel really sad looking at this.....a child at that age should never be forced to wake up in the wee morning, when the sun is not even out:( that or at the door, she will want me to carry her. and husband needs to distract her to bring her down to the car park. it's really heart wrenching especially for pregnant ol' me, and it spoils almost my every morning:(
Its true that at this new place i get to punch out at 5pm. and i have no on-calls. but then i have to go back to my mom's and pick tia and the maid up, go back sentul. which is such a long drive with crazy peak after office hour traffic.by the time i reach sentul, i am dead tired. and if i were to feed and bathe tia, i would be using the very last of my energy. i dont have the energy to play with her. and yet i only have 3 hours left to be with her. I get annoyed when i say no and she does it out of toddlers curiosity. I get annoyed when i wanted to hold her hand in the car park and she pulled away and dashed away to touch one of the parked cars.
But i am fine during the weekends. i can go full force on her. i push myself to take her to the playground, the tamans, have playdates.
So since last few months i've been thinking of a domestic business that i can do. luckily insyaAllah im getting a maternity leave at the end of the year and i am thinking of taking a few months (or a year) extra. try to figure out what to do. find myself. do something i really like. perhaps i cud succeed doing that. u'll never know.
I understand that in the real world especially in KL living, passion doesnt matter anymore. its just the money that u bring in matters. With this job, i have enough. i can pay for my car, the maid, petrol, do some shopping for tia. but it hurts me mentally knowing that i can do other stuff but just dont have the guts to quit. I am very much in my comfort zone. I know that everyone's dream is to provide the best for their children, being able to buy everything. but what about time? children grow up so fast, the next thing u know they dont need u anymore. and look at all the time u missed when they need u the most.
And i want to be the kind of mother where her child will always find her when he/she needs advise, or need someone to talk to. I look for my mom in desperate times. but some people prefer to confide in their friends, boyfriends,girlfriends. why? could it be because they never had the the chance to talk to their moms? that problems arise while moms are at work and settled when they come home at night?
So yes, selagi tak berhenti kerja selagi tu i think about all of this. I guess if i have passion in what i do, i would probably have the strength to push myself to go on. but right now, i have zero passion. and i am ever so ready to leave if i ever do find an alternative. earning 1-2k doesnt matter to me. but life satisfaction matters.
I feel better now. till next working mom vs stay at home mom ranting post.