Monday, December 16, 2013

Breastfeeding Diary: Decisions.

It has been 27 days..around 4 weeks postpartum, around about a month.
I havent got a single good breastfeeding day.
Every night i could feed RJ well because the necessary hormones are there...n thats the only time i will myself to stay motivated thruout feedings the next day. by 6pm next day, dah pancit...sakit belakang, sakit nipple n patience running low. 

I've discovered two things:

1. When I'm in pain....senang sangat kurang sabar with everyone. n Tia...i just wish to be the mom that i was with her in this period of time. sometimes when she sees me struggling while nursing RJ or sighing when RJ cries for milk..she will come by n smack the brother's head.dekat ubun pulak tu:( I somehow have the feeling that the reason behind that smack is cuz she thinks RJ is causing me pain. but i on the other hand, smacked her back (gently but firmly) with a strict NO face. i cant see the rational behind all of this...because i was inconviniently, uncomfortably in pain. either sore nipples too painful when it even touches my clothes, or too engorged, or plugged ducts.every day is the same. i hate seeing her face after i accidentally (on impulse) smacked her. it hurts me to see her hurt face:(

2.  Pumping gives me excruciating pain afterwards. like someone stab a knife repeatedly in my nipples n across my breasts. like electric shock. like fungal, but i think its tissue damage. ice usually helps numb the fiery pain...n this pain always makes me cry. it hurts so much more than 7cm cervix opened labor:( So ive stopped pumping altogether n direct feed.

And with direct feed, it will increase my supply n gives my clogged ducts cuz RJ doesnt know how to latch properly..n i will be doing a direct feed marathon n ill end up with sore nipples. and the cycle goes on and on again.

Now i know other mommas got it worse or everyone went thru this but i know im not strong enough for this. i want to enjoy my kids... and riz is not my only child. I love tia, and i just cant b a good mother with all this pain. she is just 2 yrs old....she's a kakak but she's still a baby.

So ive decided to mix feed. im not sure if its possible with all these engorgements n clogged ducts but im going to alternate bm n fm feeds during the day. stil DL at night otherwise my boobs will explode due to engorgemnt. yes, i am weaning him off slowly at a very tender age, and as selfish as it may sounds, its to keep me sane n be a better mom or wife or a person altogether. n i will always pray that RJ is as healthy as his sister growing up. .....



2 comments:

  1. i understand u.
    happy kids need sane mum..
    dun worry, u gonna get used with it..

    ReplyDelete
  2. i didnt know its really that bad(the pain). cz xpenah alami huhu. engorged pn xpenah rasa. sobs.. anyway, Whatever your decision is, be sure that it makes you happy, or mybe your not happy but be sure that you know that is right :)

    ReplyDelete

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