It has been 27 days..around 4 weeks postpartum, around about a month.
I havent got a single good breastfeeding day.
Every night i could feed RJ well because the necessary hormones are there...n thats the only time i will myself to stay motivated thruout feedings the next day. by 6pm next day, dah pancit...sakit belakang, sakit nipple n patience running low.
I've discovered two things:
1. When I'm in pain....senang sangat kurang sabar with everyone. n Tia...i just wish to be the mom that i was with her in this period of time. sometimes when she sees me struggling while nursing RJ or sighing when RJ cries for milk..she will come by n smack the brother's head.dekat ubun pulak tu:( I somehow have the feeling that the reason behind that smack is cuz she thinks RJ is causing me pain. but i on the other hand, smacked her back (gently but firmly) with a strict NO face. i cant see the rational behind all of this...because i was inconviniently, uncomfortably in pain. either sore nipples too painful when it even touches my clothes, or too engorged, or plugged ducts.every day is the same. i hate seeing her face after i accidentally (on impulse) smacked her. it hurts me to see her hurt face:(
2. Pumping gives me excruciating pain afterwards. like someone stab a knife repeatedly in my nipples n across my breasts. like electric shock. like fungal, but i think its tissue damage. ice usually helps numb the fiery pain...n this pain always makes me cry. it hurts so much more than 7cm cervix opened labor:( So ive stopped pumping altogether n direct feed.
And with direct feed, it will increase my supply n gives my clogged ducts cuz RJ doesnt know how to latch properly..n i will be doing a direct feed marathon n ill end up with sore nipples. and the cycle goes on and on again.
Now i know other mommas got it worse or everyone went thru this but i know im not strong enough for this. i want to enjoy my kids... and riz is not my only child. I love tia, and i just cant b a good mother with all this pain. she is just 2 yrs old....she's a kakak but she's still a baby.
So ive decided to mix feed. im not sure if its possible with all these engorgements n clogged ducts but im going to alternate bm n fm feeds during the day. stil DL at night otherwise my boobs will explode due to engorgemnt. yes, i am weaning him off slowly at a very tender age, and as selfish as it may sounds, its to keep me sane n be a better mom or wife or a person altogether. n i will always pray that RJ is as healthy as his sister growing up. .....