Friday, January 3, 2014

Feelin like a Bad Mom

I miss my tia.

So much has happened since my last post..we kind of ran out of lucky stars. My maid of 2 years plus ran away and she brought my mom's new maid together with her. I was around 30+ days in confinemnt at that time and had to end it..regardless of still feeling a bit sore down there i had to ignore the pain in order to tend to my kids.

Riz clings to me like a baby koala.he doesnt like sitting alone.he wants to fall asleep on my chest, and only mine.

Tia is very attached to my parents. so she's with them most of the time when im busy with riz.they love having her in their bed at night too so she sleeps with them when her daddy comes back late from locum. but when the maids left..my mom's busy with housework, and leaving her with my dad means ipad most of the time and once or twice he didnt even know that she has poop in her diapers..this results in a nasty rash on her thighs where her diaper grazed her skin:(

Which is why i decided to look for a playschool where she could spend some time there n taken care of, without much staring into the ipad watching cartoons of unrecognizable language without supervision..so i brought her to a montessori school today to see if she likes it. there was a trampoline there n she got on it, bounced away like there was no tomorrow and refused to follow me into the school to check out the classes.


I followed the headmistress into the kindy after she instructed one of the teachers to watch tia from afar. while i was inside i kept on checking on her from the school windows..after 10mins i started feeling a bit queasy so i told the headmistress i wanted to go coax her to follow me in.when i got back out n walk towards the trampoline..i saw that she has stopped jumping and sitting in the middle silently...wiping her tears. she did not wail like other kids do..she must have looked for me and tried her best not to cry but her tears just spill..that crushed my heart so bad n i cant really get the picture out of my mind. i feel guilty that she wasnt really taken care of at home..but i feel even more guilty bringing her here. she's not ready for school..n neither am i at the moment..

The day before i brought her out for a fringe cut..ive always wanted to go out with her, just the two of us like her dad always do when i was heavily pregnant n in when in confinement.bought her bread n milo..n a lollipop cuz she insisted on it and i didnt want to create a scene. u know how a persistent two yr old can be...after all that now she has a sore throat and a slight fever and again its my fault.

My attempt to bond with her again has so far been miserable failures:(

So yeah.. i miss her. i love RJ, but i miss tia and feel bad that i cudnt be a good mom to her or at least give her more attention while also tending to RJ.

I just hope that things will get better and all of us will be able to settle down with all these new changes real soon. I do believe this is just an adaptation phase. pray for us yea.


Hugs,
Sabby

2 comments:

  1. dont worry.. i`ve been there... its just transition period... do your best!. dont feel bad abt yourself (i`ve felt that way too!)... now my bby jst turn 6m n my abam 2y2m.. everything is well well well~~~ ^^,

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  2. Hi my dear, firstly I think you´re doing great. It must be tough with 2 little ones. I know how you feel with the playschool. My LA is attending school now. They gave us like a 1 week trial, and it is hard for the kids to adapt, with separation anxiety etc etc. I felt really sad, too was hard for me. However, after the first few days, he is really loving it and learning so much plus I feel it is such a balance you know Sab, the child learns so much and also we get a bit more time, in your case all the time you need for the little one! So don´t feel too bad. Soon enough Tia will bond with the teachers and like LA says [ Bye bye to me happily!!

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