I have finally resigned from government service upon completing my JPA pharmacy scholarship bond. It has been 6 years plus and it felt like forever.
After I had Tia, I started getting very uneasy at work. I dread going to work everyday. I dread leaving her when she cried to follow, and I miss her all the time. and following that, everything at work just seems to follow suit, going down the drain for me. I had low tolerance of the politics, the work demands, bosses expectations, oncalls...feels like i'm losing grip of everything emotionally.
Resulting from the emotional roller coaster at work, I came back home every evening exhausted. and tia was growing up into a strong minded toddler, and i have even lower tolerance for her tantrums. and then i felt bad when i scolded her. not everyday is a bad day though, we have loads of good days. tiring, good days which i feel like i pushed myself too hard. this continues until i was pregnant with Riz and then i thought.....once Riz arrives, i'm probably going to get worse so i definitely have to find an alternative.
Before i left for my maternity leave with Riz, i vowed that i WILL find that alternative and i will take a longer non paid leave, and then when i found THE alternative..i wont come back. I took back all my certs and personal documents just in case i had to go for interview elsewhere. and left very little stuff on my desk at work.
A lot of mixed feelings before i handed in my resignation form. I was offered a more flexible job with a lower pay, but it doesnt matter. at least im earning. time is more important to me. the company sort of bought me out of government service, paying my 1 month pay penalty for a 24 hours notice.
Alhamdulillah. I feel refreshed, liberated. Like i was released from jail. I wake up and spend the entire day with my kids under my supervision. I am less cranky, and happier. well of course there are bad days...when kids wont sleep, when the toddler comes up with something annoying, and there were days where i feel so desperate for a vacation away, alone. but then again, i feel that ALL THE TIME when i was working. just a part and parcel of life.
My husband believes in career women. his mom is one and still working too. i can see that he's trying my best to support my decision. although sometimes when i talk about my new less paying work he went all silent about it. sometimes i feel like he's taking back his support, i dont know...sometimes i think he doubts my ability to manage the house, for he doesnt know what happens on a typical working day with me and the kids at home. sometimes i wish he'd lend me his ears more but...it's okay. i can do this, and i will prove that i am not worthless. i am just grateful with what he has to offer, or perhaps whats left of the offer.
So it's not all green grass on this side. I love being a full time mom, part time pharmacist. and i want to achieve things that i never get to for the past 11 years of studying and working based on other people's decision. I have to be bold and just do it. I want to use my talents to do something more. I just need to get there while i'm free. I just cant bear doing something of not my choice anymore.
And then comes this - there are bills to pay. kids to send to kindies. clothes to buy for the kids. my basic necessities. i am earning nothing at all at this moment cuz i havent got my first pay. nafkah? i dont know if thats even possible for him now so i'm not expecting any at all. still living fully from my savings which are slowly depleting.
but you know what, i'm trying to put these worries aside and just be grateful of these moments. Grateful for being able to watch and feed my kids breakfast every morning. grateful for being able to witness each and every one of Riz's milestones. grateful for my kids to have a motherly figure at home all the time. It hurts when Tia shows preference towards another person more sometimes but i just look at it positively lah. maybe she misses her daddy. maybe she wants some change. and that mommy will always be there for her. security. and because she sometimes says "I Love You mommy" randomly out the blue...everything just seems alright again. people might think i am not good at this sahm thing, but i hope tia and sees it differently.
So here's to happiness, less worries, and a new beginning.