I realise, nowadays that I am an overachiever. I never was in pharmacy school and at work last time, maybe because of the interest issue. well maybe a little, cuz while in school..I want to make sure i do everything that i dreamed to do. in the midst of exams and everything, I attended long dance rehearsals til 2am, multiple shows in a week, choreograph for uni events..and still qualify as a pharmacist.
When i have interest in things...i squeeze them in. no matter how busy life gets. no matter how late in the night it is.
I've been pushing myself a lot these days. I want the house to be clean. to be swept and mopped at least every alternate day. I want to cook dinner for the husband when he come back from locum. I want to take care of both kids. cook for them. atm they eat seperate dishes because one of them cant eat salt yet. I want to send Tia to classes. Do laundry. finish ironing that pending mountain in the maid's room. and I want to sew...create new stuff for babies. make tutu, clothes, toys, teething necklace.
Because this "creating stuff" thing....is the only thing I have left because I've sacrificed all my other interests for the husband and especially the kids. I have to do it you see, its the only thing that makes sad thoughts go away. and when all chores are done, and kids go to bed, is the only time when i can sit and do some craft. and usually that would start earliest at 11pm.
1am is usually when i go to bed..and baby wakes up at 3am for milk, sometimes 4am. sometimes 5ish...wakes up crying and wakes the toddler up too. its exhausting. exhausting for me......
Husband has been helping around with these nightcalls..play with the kids when i do chores(when he's around), buy food when i sangat tak larat masak, and dump clothes in the machine. cant expect much since he puts the food on the table. i'm sure he doesn't understand why I am as tired as that. I don't nap during the day..and i maximise my energy with these two kids. one naps, the other one awakes.
Not to me, but to daddy. yeah yeah i know, daddy's girl and all. pic above was her camping in front of the bathroom door waiting for daddy. it hurts. is it because i was away for most of her first 2 years of life due to work? so is he. is it because I'm the bad cop? because daddy never says no even though what she does is wrong? is it because i do a lot of chores and cant play much with her? she follows him around like a baby duck..and when he's home, she doesnt need mommy anymore.daddy feed me. i wanna sleep with daddy. daddy will u play with me? mommy said no. daddy pleeease can i have it? daddy daddy daddy.
I know its normal, but what if this lasts til she grows up? is she going to share boy stories with me? girl stuff? or is she going to ajak daddy go do manicure pedicure? nasib lah. i'm not supposed to feel hurt but I kind of am...dah la paling susah bsalinkan dia. giving birth to Riz although tumpah darah takde la sampai permanent scar. giving birth to her is like...you know. but i guess i'm not supposed to "ungkit". I'm sorry.
It is normal for kids to be excited when daddy comes home. even Riz. I dont know if he's gonna be like tia but at least...when he sees me i can see his eyes light up. he comes crawling to me. he wants to sleep in the carrier, near my chest. and i let him. he loves the porridge i make for him. he needs me. but no, i cant have favourites. sometimes i feel like it, because if these behaviors. but i neeed to remind myself over and over that i love both. bad bad mom. I am grateful that both love their daddy n loves to play with him. their favorite playmate. and I am grateful for a husband who is ever so loving to his kids, makes time for them even though he has limited time and plays with them just like a playmate.
Perhaps, just like a job...it takes a toll on me. I'm trying to be perfect, but nothing n nobody is..really. I need to lay back for a bit. chill. dont think too much. perhaps its the hormones. the time of month atm. everything is amplified and im so sensitive. perhaps.
Hoping things will get better in a few days, when these hormones are settled. til then, cheers.