Looking back at my previous posts I want so much to be a SAHM. I want to watch my children grow and be the one they can turn to, anytime anyday. just like my mom. always always there when i need her. well, she does get frustrated that the children rely so much on her..but for us, for me at least, as someone who was brought up with a mom to turn to at any given time of the day....she is quite a big deal. a great big deal, in fact. as big as one day, when she is no longer with us, we would feel so much. i am afraid to think of the emptiness that i will definitely feel when the time comes. i am afraid to think of how i would react or feel. that's how big a deal my mother is to me because she's always there. always.
|Tia and Riz with grandparents|
So am i not independent? maybe not. wouldn't it be nice not to wait til end of office hours to tell mommy about your day in school, or a problem ure facing, or emergency questions? well ok. theres always whatsapp. but as you grow up, your mother will climb higher on the career ladder, lesser time to promptly respond to your "oh Sera told me she has a new boyfriend, mommy" stories. when at age 14, that petty boyfriend story actually means a lot to your adolescent mind and to wait til after office hours to tell mommy about it? fergeddit, no need lah. not important anymore. hehe. i don't know if you get me but, you know.
For my mom, life is hard. she told me never to quit work. you cant buy things for your kids, you have to wait for allowances from your husband, you get really tired at the end of the day doing chores and making sure your children survives the day without feeling bored or unfed. for me, i still do what i do. i still earn a bit doing part time pharmacy stuff. from my handmade orders. but in this era with the inflation and all.....its just not enough. when i surveyed for a good kindy for Tia was when i realized..this is only kindy and i feel the pinch. what happens when its time for her to go to college? nobody gets JPA that easily. or if they do...am i really gonna push her into science, if she's anything like me she will end up feeling as lost as i am right now because oh my God i really hate science but ijustdontknowwhyidecidetogoforit. haish.
Sometimes i sit and think...when i get so exhausted from taking care of the kids..if i had a job as an interior designer, a food artist, or something other than dispensing meds behind a counter with people expecting you to know everything and having superiors who judge your knowledge...would i quit?
I want to know what i'm doing. when they interviewed me at the handmade market the other day...i know what to talk about. theyre my stuff. when i stay at home, i know my kids, my home, my husband. theyre my own stuff. not like when you go for ward rounds and you boss asks you so what can we do to bring down this patient's potassium level? you. why is this patient not compliant to her inhaler? did you tell her this this this?that that that? I cant take that, i cant go back there. no matter what. nope.
But yeah, I remembered being miserable for a long time before i resigned. miss the pay but not the stress. but without the pay comes the stress too. now if i were to go back to work....theres absolutely no one to take care of the kids. its a problem which goes around in a loop.
So i have come to a conclusion to be grateful of what i have at hand. it's not like i dont have a pay, or have to survive solely by asking money from the husband. i can still afford to send the kids to the playgym, buy clothes although lesser. i am blessed with friends who supports my humble hobby based business. i love seeing other kids wear what i made from these 2 bare hands, from my stayups every night. and its not like i'm lowly educated as some SAHMs are judged as. i do have a choice to go back to work. i but i chose home. it's tough now but i believe it will get easier.spiritually, i believe it will get easier. just a couple of frustrations here and there. what is life without challenges.
Thanks for reading through my rant:') #SAHMdilemmas #asusual