Saturday, June 6, 2015

Good days, terrible, cranky days.

One morning, my dad came back from a breakfast date with my mom to find tia weeping on the kitchen floor. it was 9.50am in the morning of a weekend, of which my husband is at work (as usual), and i have just sent Riz upstairs and left him in his playpen to soothe himself to a nap after a bottle of milk because he was terribly cranky.

Like any grand dad, of course, scooped tia up and said poor girl, maybe she has been in the kitchen for too long. 

I brought both kids down for breakfast, and usually while they watch their ipads n movies at the kitchen table, i quickly cook their lunch. this house is a two storey semiD. a walk from the 2nd floor to the kitchen literally takes like 2 slow minutes. i miss our condo, where i can cook and the kids can do their own activity while i watch them from the kitchen. tia was whining to go upstairs, where she has her toys and her pillows to rest on. i offered to take her upstairs but told her mommy needs to come back down otherwise there will be nothing for you to eat for lunch. she is scared of being alone, so she didnt want to, but went round and round the dining table whining away. i'm sleepy, i'm sleepy, i'm sleeeeepy..... i think she was trying hard not to burst to tears, and so she ended up on the kitchen floor, weeping softly.

I did not have a pleasant morning. Riz has developed this habit of whining and crying for every little thing to get my attention, every few minutes that it drives me crazy. i made it clear to Tia on a daily basis to please, please use her words and not whine, and my exhausted housewife self told her that mommy cannot stand crying if you are not in pain, or sad. because honestly. i cannot. its like my biggest pet peeves of parenting. I know that's what children do but i usually have to suck in many many deep breaths to stay patient when that happens.

I told my parents....."i don't know what to do. what do you expect me to do? i need to finish cooking, she would not stay upstairs by herself, and i cant be everything at one time."

now its my turn to tear up.

my dad said "you can. mothers can. mothers have that in them. they can do everything at one go.that's what mothers do"


why put on that much expectations on mothers? my mother, yes she can. she can do everything at one go. no wait. she has a helper! i dont, i dont, i dont. and my husband works 6 freakin' days of the week, of which 3 days he will come back at 10.30pm. and we cant even afford a play kitchen for the kids.  Do you know what i mean? I have to split myself into a cook, a cleaner, a laundrette service, a playmate, a soother, a business owner, a driver, and i pay for their education. i am just so many things at one go and i can feel like i'm going crazy at certain points of time.

So back at being a SAHM, it's a decision i made because there is no way i can multitask this pile of responsibility together with the ones at work. I am the kind who stresses up very easy, and i can only take so much...i remember one time, i made a dispensing error while my superior was late for an oncall. i was threatened to be suspended, and i had to monitor that patient for an entire week because of that mistake. i was a provisional pharmacist. and that time the boss asks so much from you, and demands why all the KPIs are not reached. go find more patients to recruit! you have to be more creative to lead a choir! and then when the ministry workload just piles and piles til you suffocate.....I brought the misery home. i got irritated with tia at the slightest thing because i was so mentally tired from work, and i cant think about anything but the problems at work when i'm at home. so i cannot. i need my brains not to be smooshed up with too many things. so here i am.

I just hope that life would get better and more manageable when we move back to a condo...because honestly, i cannot cope living in a two storey house. i really cannot, because i am not like any other supermoms out there.

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