It has been almost 2 years since I last adorn my pretty Doublewoot peplum dress, put on eyeliner and a tinted lipbalm and rushed to work to punch card at 8am. yup, a stay at home mom for almost 2 years. A lot of people were saying how lucky I am, how they don't have the guts to to it which pretty much related to their financial status. some say I'm a supermom handling a bunch of stuff together. some are probably jealous like I used to be, trust me, I've been there.
I initially plan to put down only happy vibes in this blog. but that wouldn't be real...almost plastic. like when you scroll down these celebrities instagrams, every moment is a happy one. that's plastic. what is life without its challenges? untuk orang biasa mcm kita ni...the struggle is real ok.
Now here's the reality for me as a SAHM at the moment, let me know if you can relate if you are one:
1. No mother can afford to stay at home anymore in this era. Oh those mothers I meet and be friends with at the kids gym? they're making me delusional of my financial status. They have either wealthy husbands because they can afford to send all their kids to international schools, or expats who are fully funded by companies abroad, or ones who married to mat salehs who are being paid in US dollars or Pounds. so where do I fit in? only within my intentions to see my kids thrive.
2. Forget about nafkah. what nafkah? he's already paying so much, sampai hati ke nak mintak nafkah?
3. With the current "situation" in Malaysia tanah airku...my company can't pay me on time and I cannot survive without that pay because I need to pay tia's kindy fees and the car.
4. I don't have enough money to buy a new bra at the moment and I really need some new ones. (tmi kbai)
5. Kids clothes getting smaller and how am I gonna buy new ones without a pay? there's only so much you can diy.
6. Education in Malaysia has a pretty sad ending. Even if you stay in gov school and got into boarding school, what are the chances of you getting a scholarship to study overseas? out of 15 classes, only 1 class is chosen as cream of the crop. out of that 1 class, only 3-4 students managed to get full scholarship. the rest? teenage life wasted being tightly guarded by dominative seniors and funny serious and ridiculous school rules. Fees for private and international schools are..ridiculously overpriced. However, these schools shapes a personality pretty well. confidence, well rounded, brave. gotta trust me on that, I have been to a private school, normal public school, control school, and a top rank boarding school.
7. I could work locum at pharmacies. but I have no one to take care of the kids and my parents rule is...have a maid otherwise we tak larat take care. no need to try squeeze in locum. a trip to the poslaju to send customers' parcels take a lot of effort, really.
8. I'm in love with a play kitchen. In my dreams I see my kids cooking together, role playing. I would just purchase it 2 yrs ago. but I cant afford one now. yep, not even an Ikea one. a dollhouse too. rm600 for a toy? thats more than half of tia's kindy fees.
9. My kids test me from a day to day basis...some days they are total angels, some days they fight and hurt each other, some days they just try to annoy the hell out of me that sometimes "omg please leave me alone, i want to be ALONE" just oops, crossed my mind. but then, I look at Riz, calling mommy, mommy, how he needs to snuggle against me before falling asleep, and tia's lighted up face when i pick her up from school....how can I not be present to witness all these if i go back to work? its heartbreaking. I wouldn't know how to adapt. It will surely be painstakingly emotional for me to go back to work..
10. I just remembered that since I was a SAHM i go to sleep late, and still can wake up early. I haven't been on sick leave since forever compared to me almost finishing all my MCs quota before end of year when i was working. Everyone in the family gets sick and infect each other but most of the time I am the only one standing. weird, i find...but i guess it's mind over matters. so if I'm sick and confined to bed...who will cook and clean for the kids?
So yeah. I was browsing for jobs just now. and feel so bummed....i can't leave Riz. especially. with Tia it seems okay, because i've done it before. I see Riz 24 hours a day for almost 2 years, his entire life. he wakes up to me. he goes to sleep with me. i know him more than anyone does. I don't know how to go through a day without touching or seeing him. I guess if i have to, I have to get over it then. I used to miss husband so much when we were in the 5 years LDR last time, during his housemanship oncalls and locums. It hurts, and then you're numb and u don't mind anymore.same case with tia when she wanted the bibik n grandparents more than me for the longest time.