Here's my reality. I don't get to lift my feet up til the kids are asleep. when their dad comes home from work early, i get to have jusst a bit of space to myself. just a little. but that doesn't occur very often. my kids only get daddy time less than 24 hours in a week. and yes, i counted. they see daddy on alternate days because he decided that working at the gp office after working hrs 3x a week could help us pay some bills. well, you do have to choose between money and love.
When the days get very long..and i started to get a bit edgy, i need a shut out moment. i need to close my eyes breathe a few deep breaths and motivate myself that i can go through the day, and that 10pm is not too far away. i find that my mood improved just a lil bit and the kids shenanigans doesnt seem too testing on my patience.
It is at the end of the day, when i brushed their little set of teeth, make susu for riz, and read them a bedtime story with both nestled against my chest....all the monotonous hours just fade away, and i'm ready for the next day. I would plant a goodnight kiss on each of their forehead. Tia would ask "mommy, can i hold your hand til i fall asleep?" and riz being him, would snuggle against me with eyes half closed. In the darkness, I would recite a few surahs and read the doa tidur together with them..and i would hold both their little hands in mine until they fall asleep. I recognize their breathings when they are asleep.
That's how much i know my kids. every breath, every thought, every look, every mischievious plan. I know what is next in riz's cute cheeky smile. and i know what it means when tia talks nonstop and stumbles on her own feet- she's tired but cant wind down.
As I watch them breathe while they sleep..i wonder if i have done enough. are they happy that i am here whenever they need me? will they forgive me for the times i get angry with them, because i feel exhausted? whatever it is, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. and i will do a better job at being mom.